November 29, 2012
There was a time when mankind was capable of great things.
Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered new lands, Einstein had his theory of relativity and Bill Gates made the computer. But alas I fear that the time of mankind being at the top of the proverbial mental food chain have come to an end.
In days of yore we had Shakespeare's Hamlet saying those famous words -
"To be or not to be that is the question.
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles etc etc.....
Thanks to a regular diet of TV shows like " Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" you can hear gems like:
"Please, women that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on ... All that vajiggle jaggle is not beauteous."
Huh? Why do I feel like I suddenly forgot how to tie my shoes??
We are in an age where we are experiencing an extreme atrophy of our brains.
I think the time is right for me to take my place in the medical journals and be the first person to donate their living brain.
How can I survive without a brain you ask? It's not that difficult. For starters I'm a man and as any woman will tell you we have small walnut sized brains to start with - and we think with our genitals so we can afford to give up our brain.
How often am I going to be doing complex algebraic equations anyways? That's just it I'm not! Another reason not to have a brain. With all the mind numbing drivel that populates the TV and the Inter web I can't see that anyone will need their brain anymore.
Yup - Yes Siree I'm gonna donate my brain to science and be as dumb as a shovel. Maybe when I'm as dumb as a shovel I will be able to understand the appeal of Jersey Shore....
September 15, 2012
Everyone by now has heard about the chaos the naked photos of the Duchess of Cambridge have caused the royal family. The royal family has in fact sued the publisher of the photos for breach of privacy. Well this morning it seems there have been more naked photos of the royals published. No not more photos of Prince Harry's Charlie Sheen inspired escapades, but rather a very revealing photo of his dear old grandmother - or as us common folk call her - "The Queen" It was only a few hours after the photos of the Queen where leaked that the people of merry old England, launched a lawsuit of their own suing the magazine publishers for "mental and emotional anguish" Think they are exaggerating - take a look below and see for yourself.
January 7, 2012
As any dog owner can attest, it is possible to know how your pet is feeling by looking at their tail.
For those of you who do not have dogs "Tails" are usually located at the rear end of the dog - that is the end without eyes, and they can range in size from a few inches to several feet.
Body Language based on tail position examples:
Tail Position: Straight out from body. = AGGRESSIVE
Tail Position: Partially lowered. = ANXIOUS
Tail Position: Up.Wagging. = CURIOUS/EAGER/ EXCITED
Tail Position: Wagging vigorously. = HAPPY/PLAYFUL
I'm sure you will agree that this can be a very helpful tool in regards to determining your dog's mood and attitude.
I would like to propose that we consider surgically implanting tails onto women. Speaking as a man who has been in a long term relationship with a female with 3 daughters ,a surgically implanted tail could have saved me much grief and needless arguments.
Women are a more complex species - admit it guys we're not that complicated. Give us cleavage and fatty foods and we're eating out of your hand.
But women are a different breed entirely. A violent hormone induced tsunami lies just beneath the surface, ready to be engulf the next hapless male victim. There is no sign of the impending destruction. On the surface everything seems calm. Perhaps a surgically implanted tail could avert a tragedy and give the man a chance to survive?
These surgically implanted tails could help rebuild the "family unit", reduce the divorce rate,and ultimately save society.
With such a big up side should we not at least consider this option?
December 23, 2011
"Psst hey buddy - wanna buy a Christmas Tree?"
A shadowy figure beckoned to me from the alleyway. Usually having any interaction with men in alleyways was never a recommended practice - let alone on a dark December night.
"I know you want it" the figure spoke again, and he slowly pulled back his trench coat to reveal the branches of a Christmas Tree.
My heart begin to race, my mouth was dry. The shadowy figure was right. I did want it - I needed to have my own Christmas Tree. I wanted to decorate the tree with shiny baubles and top it all off with an angel. Maybe I would set my model of the Nativity under the tree - but dare I risk attracting the attention of the PC Police?
The PC Police or Politically Correct Police where every where, and they where everyone. During the "Holiday Season" they patrolled the neighborhoods looking for anything that celebrated the birth of Christ.
If they saw any Christmas displays the offenses could range from a ticket for a minor offense - such as wishing someone "Merry Christmas" up to jail time for what was deemed - "offensive public display of Christmas themed items". These where things like Christmas Trees and Nativity Scenes.
The PC Police would prefer that there where no Christmas displays at all, but if you did feel the need to decorate you where "strongly advised" to provide a "religiously neutral display" using items such as Frosty the Snowman or the Coca-Cola Polar Bears.
I knew I was flirting with the possibility of some time in the slammer, the big house, or the clink if I was caught with a Christmas Tree I laughed to myself,this could turn out to be most memorable Christmas ever.
I took a few more steps into the alleyway. The air in here smelled like Evergreen trees and memories.
I could make out the man in the trench coat now - his eyes where darting nervously over my shoulder looking for the PC Police - maybe he thought I was an undercover officer.
"Merry Christmas" I said.
The man in the trench coat relaxed visibly - no member of the PC Police would ever utter the words "Merry Christmas" He knew he would not get caught tonight.
"Merry Christmas to you too" he replied.
He pulled back his trench coat to fully reveal a beautiful Douglas Fir tree.
"See anything you like?" he said with a grin.
Unable to speak I found myself stammering - "how how how how much is it?"
"$350" the man replied
I dug into my wallet and thrust the money at the man.
I was frantic, I grabbed the Christmas Tree and shoved it under my coat. Shuffling uncomfortably out of the alley I made my way back to my house.
I would decorate the tree tonight and invite all my friends over. Together we would sing Christmas Carols and wish each other a Merry Christmas - PC Police be damned!