Sticky Gas Pedals ensure Victory for Toyota

The news about the Toyota recall was everywhere. Here was one of the largest automobile manufacturers in the world being forced to recall millions of cars, as a result of mechanical failures like stuck accelerator pedals.

For a brand that has marketed itself on the safety and reliability of their vehicles could this recall spell the end for yet another of the worlds auto makers?

As unlikely as it seems, the worldwide recall of Toyota's due to sticking accelerators pedals has been a welcome bit of news for one department of the manufacturing behemoth.

The department - TOYOTA MOTORSPORTS. Their mandate is simple - drive fast and win races! You can find Toyota Motorsports on the NASCAR and F1 circuit.

In a recent interview a Toyota Motorsports crew chief was reported as saying "the stuck accelerator pedals could be a huge bonus for us this racing season."

"Our drivers always try to push their cars to the limit, with the stuck gas pedals we gain an important advantage over our competitors. We don't have to worry about losing any speed in the corners. We can rest easy knowing that the car will be going flat out even if the driver would prefer to drive a little slower"

Experts agree that this could very well be the year that Toyota gets the checkered flag.

For any Toyota owners out there here is some advice- get your ride race ready - get rid of the back seat, install a roll bar and fire extinguisher. Get a helmet and head out to the track.

As the head of Toyota Motorsports said recently:

"We need to embrace this dangerous mechanical malfunction not vilify it. It is only through our shoddy engineering that we will find victory at the track"

"An Intelligent Celebrity" or Sasquatch - which is real?

Well the marketing gurus over at Fleechem Uncouth Cockman and Knight are back with another campaign that will have the public eating out of their hands.

Fleecem Uncouth Cockman and Knight (now on referred to as FUCK) was the marketing firm that George Bush and his cronies used for the infamous "Weapons of Mass Destruction" campaign. The WMD campaign was seen by marketing experts as "groundbreaking" and "industry changing".

The success of the campaign was that where never any actual WMD found, but the public still bought into the concept hook line and sinker. A brilliant example of hornswoggling the public that will be referred to in marketing textbooks for years to come.



It's been a few years since their proverbial home run but FUCK is back with a campaign that will rock the very foundations of the society we live in.

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to present the latest FUCK marketing campaign - "The Intelligent Celebrity"

Celebrities up to this point where only recognized for a few things.

If you are a male celebrity it would be your rock hard abs and chiseled jaw, and as a female it would be the size and quality of your boob job, or the latest candid crotch shot.



Now those marketing geniuses are going to convince us that we actually want to know what celebrities think. How celebrities feel about the issues that effect our lives. You know the issues - "How to lose 50 pounds in time for your leading role" and "How designer perfume is changing lives for people everywhere"

When the marketing campaign gets under way we can expect to see celebrities pedaled out on the evening news and give their opinion on current events so we, the great unwashed masses, can benefit from their wisdom(?)

Oh look tonight at 6:00 - "Paris Hilton talks about the crisis in Haiti"

Now that's hot!

HGH, Steroids and the modern Olympic Games

Unless you have been living in a cave with Osama, you are aware that the greatest sporting event ever has been running for the past two weeks in Vancouver Canada. I'm speaking of course about the Olympic Games.

The very phrase " The Olympic Games" summons up an image of athletes competing fairly and honorably for the "glory of the game" Um not so fast. That may have been true during the time of your Grandfather's Olympics but nothing could be farther from the truth in regards to the modern Olympic Games

Today's Olympic athletes do not focus on "fair play". They focus their energies on masking any performance enhancing drugs they currently have in their system. Every Olympic Games we hear stories about an athlete who lost their gold medal as a result of a failed urine test. The athletes cheat - there is too much money involved for them not too. Remember Marion Jones?

We cannot expect Steroids and Human Growth Hormones to not be used anymore in the Olympics, just like we cannot expect any major league baseball player to not be "On the juice". Performance enhancing drugs is one genie that is not going back into any bottle anytime soon.

So if you can't beat them join them. I propose that we throw out any notion of drug testing at the Olympic Games. Assume the athletes are doped up and let the games begin.

Just think how exciting those games would be. Athletes pumped full of HGH and steroids would be shattering records left, right, and center. The television ratings would be through the roof and the corporate sponsors could rake in even more obscene amounts of money.

Yeah I think an Olympic Games that encourages performance enhancing drugs for the athletes could work very well. Think how exciting every event will be when athletes learn how to harness their "roid rage"

Tiger Woods and his latest product endorsement.

Tiger Woods has a press conference scheduled for today, and the entire world is a buzz with the possibilities of what he might say in his first appearance since his infamous martial "indiscretions" became fodder for the tabloids.

Thanks largely to some of our contacts in the golfing industry we are able to provide to you an overview of the expected content at the Tiger Woods press conference. Some of the media are thinking that Tiger will use this opportunity to publicly apologize for his many indiscretions but that is not the information we have.

We are receiving word that Tiger Woods will use his press conference to launch an exciting new product.

This product is one that Tiger Woods himself uses - one that he can stand behind and endorse honestly and truthfully. And let's face it Truth and Honesty are two values that Tiger Woods needs to be associated with now more than ever if he wants to rebuild his image in the eyes of the public.

Our sources are telling us this product takes advantage of the Energy Drink craze that is sweeping the nation and gives it another twist.

The product is a carbonated energy drink that the manufactures claim will increase both your energy and your libido.

With a patented blend of 11 herbs and spices TIGER BOMB manufactures claim that "pulling an all nighter" is now possible for all men over the age of 18.

Now we can all live like the celebrities we admire.

Who knew using a product endorsed by a celebrity could destroy our marriages and hurt those we love?