May 28, 2014

How I feel after a Grande Espresso at Starbucks

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September 21, 2013

A hooker, A bag of chips and $5

I was sitting parked in my car in a seedier part of town, the sun was going down and societies undesirables were emerging from their crack dens to prowl the streets. Say what you like about society's undesirables but they certainly have an entrepreneurial streak.  Sitting in my car I was offered some crack,meth, molly and a "date" with a toothless lady (?) called Sharon.

I politely declined any and all offers -
"No thank you sir I will not partake of your fine crack cocaine "
"Sorry Sharon I will respectfully decline your offer of a good time"

When I had a moment I sent a text to my wife telling her where I was. To my surprise she replied in a positive manner.

"There you are surrounded by $50 hookers and you with only $5 in your wallet" my wife said

I opened my wallet and my heart dropped when I saw the lone $5 bill in my wallet. She was right.

"This should be fun" my wife continued on " See what fun you can have for $5"

I could hear her laughing as I hung up the phone.

Here was my opportunity  to have a wild and crazy encounter. An encounter that has been endorsed by my wife. An encounter  that I could relive for years through conversation at the work place water cooler.

I talked to the local crack dealer,  and even though crack is a drug for the budget conscience junkie - he would not sell me his wares.

Sharon, even being toothless and having a blackeye "still had standards"

This was not looking good - would I have to tell my wife that she was right and I could not have fun in this den of decadence with $5???

Suddenly inspiration struck me.  I had my eureka moment. I knew how I could have fun for only $5

I slouched down in the front seat and  masturbated - then I went into the corner store and got a bag of chips and a Pepsi.

I can't wait to tell her that I won our bet.....

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June 22, 2013

There's an Aryan in my kitchen.

Paula Deen and her latest admittance to using racial slurs has now  reached a higher level of intrigue.

Paula Deen for those of you who are not aware, is not a platinum album selling rap artist. A career where the excessive use of the "N" word is necessary  to achieve any degree of success and street cred with your "homies". No Paula is in fact  an American cook, cooking show host, restaurateur, author, actress and Emmy Award-winning television personality.Paula Deen if you haven't figured it out yet is also white.

Racism has become an key part of her success in the kitchen. Our crack team of researchers (Me and Google) have uncovered a list of products that the white supremacy supporting Mrs Dean will not use in any of her recipes

Uncle Ben's Brown Rice - Umm Brown Rice?  No spatula wielding Aryan would ever be seen using such a product. Try again..

Aunt Jemima's Syrup - This is considered by some racists to be a "gateway condiment". This sweet syrup makes good honest white children fat and immobile, while the grown up version of this drug - crack cocaine -makes mommy and daddy lose their self esteem and all their worldly possessions.

We wont be seeing any Fried Chicken and Collard Green recipes from Mrs Deen anytime soon.

It's also safe to assume that based on the evidence presented here, the Pillsbury Doughboy aka Poppin Fresh, is the biggest inspiration behind her recipes. Consider the following...

**Thanks to the twisted minds at T-Shirt Hell for the above graphic**

I'll show myself out........

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November 29, 2012

As Dumb as a Shovel

There was a time when mankind was capable of great things.
Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered new lands, Einstein had his theory of relativity and Bill Gates made the computer. But alas I fear that the time of mankind being at the top of the proverbial mental food chain have come to an end.

In days of yore we had Shakespeare's Hamlet saying those famous words -

"To be or not to be that is the question. 
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer 
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune, 
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles etc etc.....

Thanks to a regular diet of TV shows like " Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" you can hear gems like:

 "Please, women that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on ... All that vajiggle jaggle is not beauteous." 

Huh? Why do I feel like I suddenly forgot how to tie my shoes??

We are in an age where we are experiencing an extreme atrophy of our brains.

 I think the time is right for me to take my place in the medical journals and be the first person to donate their living brain.

How can I survive without a brain you ask? It's not that difficult. For starters I'm a man and as any woman will tell you we have small walnut sized brains to start with - and we think with our genitals so we can afford to give up our brain.

How often am I going to be doing complex algebraic equations anyways? That's just it I'm not!  Another reason not to have a brain. With all the mind numbing drivel that populates the TV and the Inter web I can't see that anyone  will need their brain anymore.

 Yup - Yes Siree I'm gonna donate my brain to science and be as dumb as a shovel. Maybe when I'm as dumb as a shovel I will be able to understand the appeal of Jersey Shore....

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