September 30, 2008

He loves me , he loves me not....

This image appears compliments of yours truly. Something that I dredged out of the archives and an example of some of the cartoons that I do when I get struck with a creative idea. Hope you enjoy it.

Oh yeah so your up to date - Lilo is a lesbian, and the US economy is going down the toilet. La La La

Like Nero - George fiddles while the US combusts

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September 24, 2008

PETA Urges Ben & Jerry's To Use Human Milk

Sometimes as a blogger you have those days when you just can't find anything to write about, and then there are those days when the blogs just seem to write themselves.

I present by way of an example the following headline:

PETA Urges Ben & Jerry's To Use Human Milk

Do I really even need to add anything to this? I mean it's funny enough as it is right now. Maybe Pamela Anderson wants to expand her role with the organization and sees this as the right opportunity.

Apparently milking a cow is cruel and unusual punishment - to the cow. I've had the pleasure (?) of having worked on dairy farms in the past and all the cows there seemed well adjusted, and actually eager to get milked. Of course it could have been a farm of fetish cows who liked their udders manipulated by large metal machines - I did not look into it at the time.

PETA states that the milk from the cow should go to the baby calf . Ok fair enough - but shouldn't the milk from the lactating human mother be used for her baby as well? If that is the case where do they propose to get this supply of mother's milk? There cannot be that many lactating women without children, out there ready and willing to sell any excess breast milk to Ben and Jerry's.

If this goes through as PETA hopes, the wet nurse market will explode and there will be yet another reason for people to swim the Rio Grande

Imagine if you will what this breast milk ice cream would be called? Ben and Jerry's has fun names to start with but this is likely to take the cake. What would you call it?

Vote for me at Humor

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September 23, 2008

Karma at work...

It's funny how karma works. For you lazy sods out there who can't be be bothered to click on the link to read the article yourself - allow me to summarize...Boss who fired a group of former employees got his comeuppance when they all took time out of their busy days to bludgeon him to death.. Ahhh warms the cockles of your heart doesn't it? Where the hell are your cockles anyway? But I digress.

Imagine if all the people who have lost their savings and their homes due to the current US financial mess, got organized and bludgeoned to death some of the CEOs who are making millions off this crisis - that would make for some entertaining nightly news. Hell why stop at the CEO - take a trip to Washington. Lots of targets there just asking for a thumpin'. Someone needs to make a facebook group and get this thing organized. Do not look at me - I'm an ideas guy - get it off the ground - that is someone else's department. Oh and speaking of departments, yours is closing on Friday - we'll be happy to provide a box for your things.

The CEO works at Humor Take your angry, newly unemployed asses, over there and deliver a thumpin'.

Oh yeah this picture ^^doesn't have anything to do with the post..... When in doubt insert gratuitous cleavage picture.

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September 19, 2008

French's Mustard and the Freshness Seal

Well the other day my wife and I were at a local steakhouse for dinner. Before our food arrived our waitress had dropped off a container of condiments. Well boredom drove me to reading the labels on the mustard , ketchup, etc and in doing so I discover a very important piece of demographical information.

To summarize - those who use French's products are dolts. Don't worry I'll explain. There is a section on the label - I think it was entitled something silly like "How to enjoy your French's mustard" and it contained a series of steps you needed to do to allow the mustardy goodness to come forth. Step 1: - remove lid Step 2: remove freshness seal Step 3: replace lid Step 4: squeeze bottle.

You can't make these things up people.

My first thought was, if you need instructions on how to operate mustard you likely have larger issues. Do not pass go - do not collect 200 dollars - go directly to the sterilization clinic and do us all a favor.

Another odd thing was that these inane instructions where not repeated on all the condiments - just French's products. Seems consumers of French's may not be all that smart. An example of the instructions on the other condiments - "open the f*#@&^% bottle and squeeze jackass" - ok maybe I paraphrased a bit but the intention is the same.

It's scary to think that there are people out there right now - you probably work with some - that need help in order to properly "operate"(?) a condiment bottle. These same people in all likelihood drive cars, probably have firearms in their homes and God help us all may have successfully reproduced. We're doomed - a nation of dolts - they walk among us

Remove the freshness seal at Humor and be sure to vote for me.

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September 16, 2008

May not be exactly as advertised - Buyer Beware

This post is on our cultures current obsession with plastic surgery - all done with the intention of making you look years younger, look hotter etc.

What plastic surgery really does now, is just confuse the hell out of any potential admirers. Are those her real breasts - or am I simply salivating over bags of saline??

So many people are having surgery now, that it should be mandatory for the plastic surgery obsessed members of our society, to carry a card that states that they have had extensive surgery and are not exactly as advertised. Perhaps it could include a checklist so people can see that this person is not a natural Adonis but rather a walking bill board for Dr Gonzales' home of the $20 butt lift.

I submit as evidence your honor a list of the plastic surgery being conducting now - list is provided courtesy of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons - and you know they would not lie..

* breast augmentation or enlargement
* breast implant removals
* breast lift
* buttock lift
* chin, cheek, or jaw reshaping (facial implants or soft tissue augmentation)
* dermabrasion
* eyelid lift
* facelift
* forehead lift
* hair replacement/transplantation
* lip augmentation
* liposuction
* lower body lift
* nose reshaping
* thigh lift
* tummy tuck
* upper arm lift
* Botox injections
* cellulite treatment
* chemical peel
* plumping/collagen or fat injections (facial rejuvenation)
* laser skin resurfacing
* laser treatment of leg veins

Breasts are the top three surgeries listed - no surprise there. I'm sure that us men and our peanut sized brains are responsible for that somehow. Women - if you show a man some serious cleavage, he will lose the ability to speak and turn into a drooling, frothing at the mouth imbecile.

It's a rare thing to see a natural beauty nowadays. Could you imagine for a moment the singles bar if this plastic surgery card was in place? Me thinks that there would be less cougar sightings.....

They got the fat sucked out of their ass over at Humor

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September 13, 2008

What happened to the good old witch hunt?

What happened to the good old witch hunt? I'm talking of the time that grown men and women got gripped by hysteria and ran around their neighborhoods stoning, burning and dunking (early version of water boarding) any unfortunate sap that crossed their path. It truly was a golden time for panic and hysteria and the ability for getting back at your neighbors.

If there where as many "witches" as some of the crazy puritans said there where I' m sure some have survived to the present day. I'm not talking of practitioners of Wicca but rather the whole "eye of toad, wing of bat" kind of witches.

At the peak of the witch hunt craze, people where arbitrarily accusing anyone who acted and talked different of witchcraft - a death sentence to all in involved. Now if we accused people today of acting or talking differently - we are more likely to give them Ritalin or the current pharmaceutical flavor of the month and likely see ourselves on Jerry Springer - "I done thought she was a witch Jerry "

Yes sir we have effectively medicated any modern witch into a state of compliance.

Nostalgia always make me feel blue - we will never experience the fear/joy of seeing your neighbor sentenced to death for witchcraft - nor are we ever likely to experience the carnival atmosphere at a witch burning - no chance to buy souvenirs and tell the grand kids. No chance to try a new career as witch hunter. No, thanks to modern science we are stuck here in our hamster wheels chasing after the cheese.

They have hamsters at Humor

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September 11, 2008

Anniversary of that fateful day

Everyone older then 7 knows what happened on this day 7 years ago - you don't need me to remind you. The most influential day in our history , and if you can stand the use of an over used cliche - the day that changed history.

So much has changed in our world since that day, and it is not likely that we will ever be able to revert back to how we lived our lives prior to 9/11 - this is the new reality.

I'm a Canadian so I have a different outlook on this situation simply because I do not reside in the US. Your troops are stuck in a quagmire of a war with no end in sight - and that makes me feel sad for the troops. Men and women who are just doing their jobs and find themselves in the middle of a cluster F*** because of inept politicians.

There are people out there that fully believe and stand behind the logic and rationale applied by George Bush when it came to starting the wars - I speak of both Iraq and Afghanistan. There are others out there the "conspiracy theorists" that state that 9/11 was just one move in an intricate game of chess executed by the global elite.

Where is the truth? No one knows for sure. The one thing I would like to state is that when an emotional and traumatic event such as 9/11 happens it is doubly important that we don't let our thoughts and emotions get effected by the adrenaline of the situation. We need to let logical rationale thinking, and the asking of questions be our moral compass through the difficult times. It is when we dismiss outright the opinions and points of view contrary to ours that we show our ignorance.

Voting for this post simply shows that you too agree.

I'm on Humor

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September 7, 2008

Politicians and a steel cage match

Well Canada will soon be thrown into the drudgery of another election. Our TV's will soon be plastered with politicians selling their special brand of snake oil. The press will be digging into all the dirty corners of the candidates closets. Exposing episodes of seedy bathroom encounters and frilly lingerie. Prime time television runs the risk of being interrupted for special bulletins on a nightly basis of candidates snipping ribbons at the tractor factory.

There has to be a better alternative to this nation wide state of confusion that will soon strike our nation.

I'd like to see politicians tap into the current Mixed Martial Arts craze and have elimination tournaments to find the next member of Parliament. Throw two candidates into a steel cage and have them battle it out for supremacy. It would be a round robin format - if you win your match you would move onto the next round. This would continue for each specific area until only one candidate remained.

The best part of the whole program is that we the voting public, get to see politicians beat the tar out of each other every night until election day. Now that makes for some good TV.

It probably would not take long for this steel cage format to be the standard for all levels of government. People may pay attention to their local municipal politicians if they knew there is the potential of a steel cage match every few years.

To use this format in the current US situation I'm not sure how I would predict the cage match between McCain and Obama. Obama is younger and likely has better stamina and quicker reflexes, but McCain is a wily veteran and is sure to have learned a few tricks during his stint as a POW so I'd put nothing past him.

You know Vegas would love the format - can you imagine the wagering. Finally people would have a reason to pay attention to the election. More focus would be on candidates conditioning and diet, as opposed to foreign policy and taxation programs.

Do you have a better option? If so let me know.

I'm on Humor Blogs and they approved this message.

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September 4, 2008

Increase traffic to your blog - Guaranteed Sucess

So if you are like me and try to maintain a blog in the deep dank expanse of the internet, the idea of how to increase your traffic has most likely crossed your mind. Of course you have tried the usual suspects - signing up on humor, writing about breasts, cleavage, gratuitous sex and violence. All of these tried and true solutions and your stats barely register any increase.

How then can you guarantee an increase in readership? It's simple dear reader - Write blog entries about Islam. If there is one group of religious extremists with less of a sense of humor I have not found them yet. Hell even the Amish have been known to let out the odd chortle and guffaw in the midst of a barn raising - but nary a giggle crosses the lips of the Islamic extremists.

Now you have to be careful in regards to the amount of traffic, hate mail and death threats you want to generate. The extremists put out a death sentence on Salman Rushdie for writing a book that was not favorable to Islam - so try to temper down the anti Islamic rhetoric so you just receive a spanking or an old fashioned "talking to" from the extremists.

A few calls to CNN to tell the world of your plight, and presto chango - your server will crash from the surge in traffic.

Vote for me at Humor Blogs Allah and myself do appreciate it.

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