January 31, 2010

NY City Homeless Man talk of the town in Darfur

Peoples lifestyles have certainly taken a turn for the worse thanks to the economic crisis we find ourselves in. Husbands have cut back on extramarital affairs,mothers have resorted to feeding their children home cooked meals, and kids are forced to watch basic cable.

There is some good news that has come out of the financial meltdown, the experience of Stephen Dirby - a former New York City homeless person who now finds himself the major of a small village in Darfur.

When I talked to Stephen he explained that the life of a homeless person in NY City was not an easy lifestyle. He had spent several years on the streets of the Big Apple. Everyday you could find him picking up cigarette butts, or rummaging through the trash in the hopes of finding anything edible. As a career move, being a NY City homeless person was a dead end.

"It was after I drank a particular potent batch of potato wine that I got the idea on how I could better my life" Stephen explained to me. "I needed a fresh start, a new approach to life and better yet a new location to try to scrape out a living"

He talks about stowing away aboard a humanitarian relief flight to Darfur. He hid his shopping cart amongst the many bags of rice that where packed into the cargo hold of the military plane.

"When I finally got to Darfur - I was greeted like a hero. People there had never seen a shopping cart and assumed that I was an influential member of NY upper society. I only had a shopping cart, some cardboard boxes an old Sony Walkman circa 1984, but to these people I was now the richest person in the village."

Being the richest person in a village in Darfur certainly had some privileges for Stephen. The villagers gave him the best house in the city - complete with walls and most of the roof. He is first in line for his typhoid shot, and he tells me that the villagers have recently appointed him mayor.

"I never would have thought that all this would come from stowing away on a plane. Back in North America I was homeless, destitute and forced to rely on the wasteful habits of consumers just to survive. Here I have so much more than other members of the village."

A Shopping Cart, cardboard boxes and an old Sony Walkman circa 1984 - all that and you too can be the major of a small town in Darfur.

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January 22, 2010

"Test Tube Celebrity" - the latest craze from Tinseltown

It seems that everyone who considers themselves a celebrity now a days, has their own perfume or clothing line. Well the line of products stamped "Star Approved" has just increased thanks to some innovative and savvy celebrity surgeons.

The founding surgeons of an exclusive Beverly Hills clinic have come up with a new way for diehard fans to get even closer to their celebrity idols with an exciting new product line called "Test Tube Celebrity"

Dr. Wii Hackem - the founder of this new product line is only to happy to explain;

"At our exclusive clinic we deal with a lot of celebrity clients. Clients who come in for some liposuction, botox injections or face lifts. My partners and I noticed that when we complete any surgical procedure we have left over materials - These materials can be a few pounds of fat that we suctioned off Kristi Alley's thighs, or it could even be a flap of excess skin we removed from Joan River's neck."

With Celebrity Watching having become so wide spread in today's culture, these Doctors found themselves sitting on a virtual goldmine.

Thanks to "Test Tube Celebrity" people like you or I can now own their very own piece of a Hollywood Celebrity.

Dr Hackem goes on to explain;

"The fat that we vacuumed off David Hasselhoff last week, is packaged in a limited edition Swarovski crystal test tube that fans of the Hoff can now purchase with their credit card through our website. When you display the Swarvoski test tube we guarantee that all of your friends will be green with envy over your piece of a Hollywood celebrity. When you purchase Test Tube Celebrity you will also receive a signed picture from the celebrity who was the former host to the fat cells that you now have on display in your living room."

"The law of supply and demand keeps prices high" The good doctor laughs, "Celebrities that have let themselves go, such as Kristie Alley or Roseanne Barr, will of course have lots of fat to be vacuumed off to sell - this keeps the price for their fat cells much lower then someone like Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen who we rarely see in our clinic"

Test Tube Celebrity - now that is a product that I'm sure everyone can be excited about. Men will scratch and claw at each other just to be the first on the block to have the Pamela Anderson Test Tube Celebrity - while women will scour the clinic's shelves non stop looking for any remnant of Tom Jones.

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January 7, 2010

The Smart Phone breaks news ground with latest app.

The article was hidden at the bottom of the page, near the back of the latest edition of the Scientific Armenian. Nestled between the ads for a "Cozy home in Detroit overlooking the smelters" and an itinerary for the latest Nadia "Octomom" Suleman autograph signing tour, was an article that introduced a groundbreaking new app for the Smart Phone.

For those of you who have not had the opportunity to read the article I have included it here:

Man's love affair with their smart phones has taken a strange, but not unexpected turn, with the introduction of the latest app available now at the app store. The app has simply been called "The Vagina" by the small southern California company that developed it. We where able to talk to the CEO of "Drillin'", Richard N.Orbs who was only to happy to extol the virtues of the "Vagina App"

"Men are using their Smart Phones for more and more aspects of their lives. Sending emails, texting friends, surfing the web, listening to music, the list goes on and on. The Smart Phone has become an indispensable tool in the modern male's toolbox."

"But even with great advancements in Smart Phone technology in the past few years," Richard continues, "there are still some areas of the modern man's life where the Smart Phone has yet to make in roads. The first of these areas is the bedroom - or sexual intercourse if I have to explain it. Smart Phones had no connection to sex for men at all. With Drillin's new Vagina app we believe that we have finally blown the doors wide open for Smart Phone users. At the risk of offending any Star Trek fans - Space is not the final frontier for the Smart Phone - the vagina is. With the introduction of the "Vagina App" it now allows the Smart Phones to be integrated into all aspects of the modern man's life."

The "Vagina App" takes advantage of the touch screens that the newest Smart Phones offer. It is now possible for men to simulate having sex with a digitally rendered vagina using either the handy stylus or any other appendage.

CEO Richard N. Orbs states that "We believe that we have brought the vagina closer to thousands of Trekkies, Comic book collectors and C++ programmers everywhere."

The verdict is still out on the application though. Men that we talked too - who admitted to using the application, state that "the application will never truly take off until the public become comfortable with the sight of sweaty - bug eyed men, jabbing at digital vaginas while they commute to work on the subway"

One small step for man......


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